Para kay Yubi

"diba sabi nila ung mga nagwowork mas gusto nila bumalik sa school coz once you've enter their world there is only a little room for fun. lalu na sa course natin. aun! maxado na mahaba ung nasabi ko and i think some of the things na nasabi ko is irelevant na sa topic mo! hahaha!"

-Yubi.

Yubi, I want to say two things.
First of all, ngayon ko lang nabasa toh kaya sobra-sobra na lang pagkagulat ko.
Second of all, your reply(blog) wasn't irrelevant, in fact, you hit bull's eye.

Aaminin ko, I never was a leader before and
neither did I have a barkada before I met you guys. Ever.

You were so right when you said that once you've entered the working world, almost all your childish thinking fade---must fade. You need to be competitive. You have to be responsible, effective, knowledgeable and most of all, disciplined. And tama ka rin, most of the time there's only a little room for fun---if none at all. In other words...grow up.

minsan kea din naprepressure ang tao kc maraming things ung tumatakbo sa utak nila. somethings that they like to share and some not. so ndi mo sila rin masisi kung ung outcome nila ganun. ndi lang nmn dito kc umiikot ung mundo natin eh! especially the mind.

I know that...You may or may not know but I did try to understand you guys. There were alot of times wherein I pictured myself in your situations. Your family problems. Your financial problems. Everything that you guys are experiencing that I don't. Kay pat and her family problem. Kay kat and her brother and other money problems. Kay sachi and her financial problems. Kay Audrey and her volleyball and aunt and family in the states.
And you and your dad and other financial problems.
And marami pa that I don't even or probably won't know about.
Alam ko naman na wala akong masyadong alam coz am not around...


we all have different kinds of responsibility...pero try to think it this way...not all of us has that enough strength para gawin ang lahat ng straight. kelangan din natin malibang paminsan minsan. tong pinasok kc natin ndi xa joke time eh!

I am in fact, guilty as charged when I tried pressuring you guys. Pero kung iisipin mo, wala pa akong mabigat na ginawa ever since...

Once i fell in love.

Once i fell in love...

And it was real. For a few minutes everyday, i would ask myself, why?
Why him? Why now? Why me? Why? Why not? Why...
Just because.

But now...

I...just smile :')

insomniac keyboardist

i've met this christian keyboardist guy who reminded me so much of my kuya vergel.
in the way he looks, the tone he speaks, and the type of music he's listening to
but of course he's waaaaaaaaaay better of a keyboardist than me
and waaaaaaay older than me, i think.
and i swear, i could almost see
my reincarnated
kuya
but
kuya
is still alive ok?
im just seeing him from him
because by the way he's our teacher in keys.
ang aztig niyang keyboardista at pianista kahit na
hindi ko siya naiintindihan kapag nagtuturo siya ng
bonggang bongga. Kasi naman kulang pa ang kaalaman
ko sa larangan ng musika kaysa sa kanya.

Pero. May insomnia siya. Wala lang.
Nakakatuwa.

Hindi niya alam

Kahit mag-isa lang ako ngayong umaalala sa nakalipas na mga alaala.
hindi ko na siguro pagsisisihan ang pakiramdam na nahulog ang loob ko sa kanya, noon.
Baliw na kung baliw pero kahit gaano karaming luha ang tumulo at tintang naupos sa pira-pirasong papel dahil sa kanya, masaya ako dahil nakilala ko siya.
Hindi ko alam kung paano pero siguro kasi di pa ako nakakahanap ng katulad niyang may kalog. Nilalang na magiging dahilan na pagkabuhay at pagkamatay ng aking damdamin.

Maalaala mo kaya...:)

Lagi kong sinasabi na halos ilang taon na rin ang lumipas,
ngunit sa tuwing isusulat ko ang
parte ng buhay ko na iyon ay tila
tumitigil ang oras
para lang sakin at ang lahat sa aking paligid
ay sumasang-ayon sa bugso ng aking damdamin sa aking pagsusulat.

Hanggang ngayon ay hindi niya pa siguro nararamdaman kung gaano
kabigat sakin nuon ang apaw ng luha na pumuno sa aking pagiisip. Hindi niya alam na
madalas ay nalunod na ako ng paulit-ulit na tila ba'y wala ng sasagip. At kung meron man,
ay nabulag ako sa pagasang hindi naman pala dumating. Hindi niya rin
alam kung paano ang pagwasak sa aking rason sa bawat minuto na makita siya
ay nalalapatan ako ng musika. Musika?

Hind niya alam na artista ako noon, na kahit di man sikat ay naging eksperto naman sa pagtatago ng tunay na adhikain. Sa aking pagiging artista ay namanhid ako sa harap niya. Sa harap lamang niya. Sa maikling panahon na iyon ay hindi pa rin niya siguro alam kung gaano kasakit ang magpaalam sa nakaraan at harapin ang aking kinatakutan.

Higit sa lahat, hindi niya alam na minsan lang
akong mahulog ng ganun. Ang uri ng kalaliman na kahit
ang mga taon ay hindi kayang hilumin kaagad-agaran
ang sugat na namuo at dumugo na puso.
Pero walang sugat kahit saan,
nagkapasa lang naman.

Ngunit sa pagdaan din ng ganitong mga karanasan, marami din akong natutunan.
Katulad na lamang sa paglawak ng aking makitid at murang pagiisip.
Hindi sa lahat ng oras ay dapat akong umasa sa iba.
Hindi lang sa tao kundi sa lahat ng bagay at pagkakataon. Dapat ay marunong kang tumayo
sa iyong sariling mga paa at manindigan sa iyong mga desisyon, kamalian o katagumpayan.

Pero buti na lang, nagisip din ako ng tama (mantakin mo yun..nagisip din pala ako?) Dahil ng umiwas ako sa kanya, natuto akong tumingin sa mga bagay na inakala ko ay hindi ko
makakayang gawin ngunit kaya ko pala.
Katulad ng musika at salita.
Sa pagkabatang-isip kong iyon ay natuto akong lumipad sa isang mundong
masyadong mahiwaga at malalim.

At di na ako makabalik.
Masyado na daw akong seryoso.
Try mo kong pakinggan.
"Hahaha."
Kahit sa salitang toh, hindi na ako ang sarili ko.
Di ba?
. . . . .
(Oo ka dyan, bakit, narinig mo ba?)

Pero magkagayon man, masaya na ako magisa at nagdadrama.
Pero siyempre hindi na kagaya noon. Di mahirap yun pag-artista ka na o kung anu pa man, basta sanayan lang. At masaya na akong magpatuloy sa paghahanap ng sarili ko at dun sa nakatingin sakin mula sa alapaap. Kasiyahang maririnig sa pag-ngiti at di pagtawa.
Mahika, brad. Di ako literal. Siya rin siguro.

Pero siyempre, buti na lang di niya malaman noon.

Ngayon, kung mabasa niya toh. Ayos lang. Malaman niya na lang na may dalawang gabi na naman pagkatapos ng halos ilang taon na hindi ko natulugan dahil naalala ko ang mga alaala na yon na parang isang pelikula na paulit...ulit...ulit...ulit...

Hindi niya nga rin pala alam, siya ang pinakauna.

P.S. Sasabihin ko sana sabi ni Inday, kaso di nako bata para dun.

Pain daw.

Everyone is afraid to make mistakes. Whether it’s tripping on the way down of the LRT stairs, having a wrong grammar during recitation, falling in love, watching this horrifying movie or taking this path instead of that…everyone is afraid that they won’t make the right decisions for their lives. Everyone is afraid to feel pain. They are afraid that they’ll just get hurt and bleed inside, outside, in the middle, in their nose?

Pero minsan din naman, kelangan din natin magkamali, madapa, masaktan at mapagalitan.

Kagaya ngayon, pagdating palang ni mommy…hindi na ako tinigilan sa kakadakdak ng sermon. Ang hirap pala maging nanay, mauubusan ka na lang ng laway…araw-araw. Pero, mahirap din maging anak, lalo pag nag-iisang anak na babae. Mahirap makahanap ng kausap na hindi ka-sesermonan at bubusisiin ng todo. Nakakatuwang nakakabaliw. Kaya di na lang ako kumikibo habang nagsusulat dito sa computer.

Speaking of computer, nakakatuwa talaga ang Meralco. Last month, mga P500 lang ata ang singil sa kuryente dahil nagbaba sila at ngayon lang April nagtaas. Ang ironic, kasi last month…umuulan at malamig pa kaya di kami magastos sa kuryente pero ngayon, sobrang init naman kaya grabe ang gamit namin ng kuryente. Back to the computer, baka nalalabi na ang oras ko sa paggamit nitong computer dahil mag-iisang oras pa lang ang gamit ko…buong araw na daw akong nakababad dito.

Actually medyo guilty rin ako. Ang dami ko ring pinanuod na films kanina. Di na ako nanunuod ng local TV shows kasi feeling ko nadedeplete ang utak ko (no offense)…except na lang pag news. Anyway, nagbababad ako sa movies dahil baka may mapulot naman akong kwento, concepts, camera angles, chuva, churva, etchos, stuff, stuff, na kahit ako di ko maintindihan.

Eto yung mga napanuod ko kanina. Wala lang:)

IP MAN

Ip Man is a 2008 Hong Kong martial arts semi-biographical film that is based on the life of Ip Man, the celebrated martial arts master of Bruce Lee, and the first to teach the Chinese martial art of Wing Chun openly. The film focuses on events surrounding Ip that took place in the city of Foshan between the 1930s to 1940s during the Second Sino-Japanese War.

The japanese were bad here. Huhuhu. It's a good film...but somehow, I was looking for something. It's just like watching Fearless, without the really cool effects and just plain old chinese kung fu vs. Japanese martial arts. Or maybe I just need to watch it again??

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL

(Italian: La vita è bella) is a 1997 Italian language film which tells the story of a Jewish Italian, Guido Orefice (played by Roberto Benigni, who also directed and co-wrote the film), who must learn how to use his fertile imagination to help his son survive their internment in a Nazi concentration camp.

The really funny dad in the picture...died. And I'm a spoiler for those who are planning to watch. Although, It's not really a choice for most of today's movie goers and is a bit old of a film but I liked it anyway.

DAHIL MAHAL NA MAHAL KITA

Caught this in Cinema One just awhile ago. Corny na kung corny pero fan talaga ako ni Claudine Barreto and Rico Yan. Hindi naman ganun kalala ang acting nung panahon nila at ang aztig kaya! The story is a typical i-was-bad-til-i-met-you-and-i-changed-me-for-you-but-you-broke-my-heart...

But the good thing is, we still end up with each other anyway. Complete with the kontra bida nanay, supposed-to-be fiance and ex-boyfriend. I cried a few tears. A few drops. Haay..Pinoy. If you don't want to think that much and just need a good laugh or cry. Watch 'em, it works all the time for me.

BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER

Not really a movie, I was just surfing through my usual choice of channels and saw this. It's one of those moments that I would just watch a show because it is not normal. Like my other favorite shows such as X-files, Roswell and Smallville.

Pero minsan mas gusto kong tahakin ang mga bagay para lang maintindihan...na kahit masaktan at magkamali man, ang mahalaga...desisyon ko yon at kailangan kong panindigan.

But being who I am now, there has been far more restrictions from my parents and my friends, my other friends and those people around me who need to see ME as their eyes wanted to SEE me. Worse, I let them do it. My vision is blurred by my number one enemy. ME.

What is pain? Can you tell me?

Is it really just for us to experience all the weakness in the world or for us to realize that there is also something else out there that would make us feel alive. It's a writer's ink to write great poems, an artist's paint for his canvass, a writer's words for her blog. Except that that writer is not in pain. Oh, di ba aztig nun?

Hindi ako emo. Di naman in-love. Di rin naman confused, medyo lang...Para akong nasa---"Apol! Kanina pa yang sandali na yan ha. Akala ko ba matatapos ka na?"-mommy

If writing and expressing myself would just add up on our electric bills (there were times I would write on my bed using my cellphone's light) and this is just a mistake. If watching these movies were a mistake. If needing to feel pain is a mistake. Weh, di nga?

Lois in me.

http://www.thelope.com/images/duranceeyesaceblog.jpg

While my college super cool friends are fangirling over Japanese guys and their music I am mooning over smallville---Lois and Clark. Sappy? No, way. They're one of the funniest and greatest couples I have ever met in my TV series viewing life. I would spend rare nights just watching the couple fight with each other and still, fight with each other.

Little did I know, it was my own experience that led me to become attached to this dynamic duo, specifically, Lois Lane.

"He's practically an icon, "The man of tomorrow". And I'm just Lois Lane, the girl who writes about it"

I've been struck by the little kid with heart shaped bow and arrow before and as hard as it is, the wounds still creep into me once in awhile. Like no matter what I do, it feels like I'm left behind. Behind him. I've never written much about my past feelings (well, not at least not electronically) so what's the difference now? Why, after almost three years, am I writing this now?
Lois Lane.

We all do the things we do for a reason, consciously or not. Several times, myself included, we claim that we have no idea...why we're smiling alone, talking to ourself, crying to sleep, watching silly movies, listening to this song or that, getting depressed, laughing out loud, but the truth is, we know...we're just afraid to admit it.

Her character is a part of me I can deny no longer so I must write it down.

"Right. So, when the occasional feelings flare up, you just got to trust your gut, as hard as it is, and realize that you broke up for a reason."

Anyway, I don't always feel like this. I can be more ignorant than what I deserve and need. It's just times like this. When inspirations come :)

**quotes taken from Smallville Season 8 Episode "Toxic"

i want spaghetti!

I made spaghetti for dinner just awhile ago. The sauce was a mixture of tomato/spaghetti sauce, grilled pork, freshly chopped(by me!) basil leaves, and four cloves of garlic. The aroma was good and very Italian-ish, thanks to my secret ingredient, Italian seasoning. It was a joke actually, my dad called from work asking what would we like for dinner and my kuya suggested all types of delicious yet frivolous stuff for fun such as lasagna, fried chicken, and pizzas til I finally cut in, "I WANT SPAGHETTI!!!"

One hour after, the only daughter around was forced to ready the stainless pot boiling and chopping board tainted with fresh basil leaves. I was JOKING...! Hahaha. Anyway, it was rather fun messing around than reading my 35 articles of my professor all the time. Chop-chop-chop and wooooosh...my very own spaghetti!

http://www.about-losangelesca.com

With a few mistakes, everything was perfect. Well, the pasta was a little too firm, the sauce too meager, and the preference of tuna instead of pork (strictly health reasons). Nonetheless, it was a tasty dinner eaten at our usual hour of 10 o' clock, near midnight. Yeah, that IS normal in this family.

Everything was fine til I twirled my last coil of spaghetti and shoved it to my already full mouth. Yes, amid the negative aura simmering just around the corner, we were perfectly okay. Parents. They are so...yeah. Anyway, not that they had any arguments that I don't know of. Too bad my spaghetti did not help either. Haha. The whole reason of me writing at this very moment is just because of this actually.

It's just sad to know if other families (with better and sophisticated food) are this unhappy at their dinner table no matter how much gorgeous food is displayed before them. Not that mine is always like this silent, with my three loud--as in laugh-til-you-drop brothers around!? This is merely just a thought like the million others I'm having now. Right?
FYI: Spaghetti and everything italian are only second to my love of sushi and everything Japanese.

maybe, just maybe

http://pinoyinfrance.ning.com/

Moulin Rouge inspired.

I dream of making a musical play. Yeah. Right.


Sometimes I wonder why dreams can't be just easier done than said and just forget that stuck up cliche? Though it kind of sounds bad, I still wish it works that way. Unfortunately, that way is not the way of the world, right? You have to work hard to get what you want, and if ever you don't get exactly what you want...half the time, you will after you trip down ten thousand times. Haha. And imagine, on the same banana peel. Eh?

Ehem..anyway, let's go back to that impossible dream.


I have always wanted to make a musical play ever since like...two years ago? Yeah, not really like the hard-core-since-born dreamers but at least, a dreamer. Now in order to achieve that, I have envisioned myself to google for a director, storyline, scriptwriter, song, musical director, choreographer, really creative producers, group of willing actors, band of singers, dance group, set of lights, and all those various entities needed for a running production. Hah. People. Where am I suppose to find you? And to be sure, where am I seeing myself in this dream production? I have no idea.


So there you have it, the dream and the problem. All I need now is to search and immerse myself to all things musical and find out if this is not just some infatuation I've again acquired through the absence of productivity and hunger of innovation and creativity within me.


I am a confusing person, I know, for my want of lots and lots and lots and lots (you get the point) of things at the same time but never focus on one thing. Consider this, as an early gradeschool blackboard lecture copier, I am the one who could not ever stick to one color of a pen nor style of writing in one sitting. I always made it a point to change my penmanship from cursive to print to cursive to print with every possible two sentences I copy. Funny yet the habit never really bothered me...until now. Even as a musician, I started out trying the six-stringed guitar at daytime and the monochromatic keys at night. Yes, it gets me surviving in the busy musical world, though lately, I am focusing more on the latter instrument. It's black and white. The point is, I just want to be sure if this is what I really want. And why. WHY. Gosh, my ever favorite question of all time. And my equally favorite answer would always be...I have no idea.


Anyhow, because of this impossible dream I am eyeing on reuniting my sense of artistic mind (still dreaming) with this Theater Center Workshop I've met two years ago. W-wait...two years ago? Okay. OKAY. Now, I GET IT. (Do you?). Inspiration came. NAH. Now that I think and write about it, at the same time, whatever made this dream impossible in the first place...is me. I claim not to be good in singing nor to be expertly musical so I therefore concluded that I AM NOT ready. But a friend (Yay! Lil bro) just reminded me awhile ago how I should get out of my shell. Haven't I? Or I must have returned once again coz I'm feeling cowardly again. But...but...

"it's not about kung mglng ka or what...that is not what it's all about. nor are you playing for laughs in other words mpsya ang audience...pmnta ka dun dhl may purpose ka. may gus2 kang i share na part of YOU"

At this age, maybe I'll never be able to claim that "HEY, I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready!"~spongebob all the time. No matter what I do is not yet enough (or is perfect the term?) Til I am finally am able to overcome my inner self I'll be forever be lying down waiting when I shall be ready to share this ringing silence of me. No, I can't.

One month to go. Fifty days to go. Maybe, just maybe I am meant for something better than this.

One plus one equals three.

I know what you're thinking...and the answer is Yes--and No. Yes, you see it right, I have learned a new method of adding things up but NO, I do not like math. One of the few great lessons I've learned from my friend and professor is that not to take everything too literally. Things just don't add up and result to the same way you actually thought them to be. But if you still can't figure it out, picture it like this.

You suddenly had a hopeless romantic inspiration and wanted to write a story. So, you spend days and days--even months thinking, researching, writing, editing and re-editing altogether and before you know it, you have a story! Fast track a few years later you read your story once again and see what you've conjured up during your younger days. By then, you'd realize..."Oh..my...gosh! Did I write this?!!" Well, the exaggerated way. "I cannot believe I wrote these mushy stuff!" or let's be narcissus "SERIOUSLY, I wrote these? Wow. I was sooo cool."

But of course, that is not always the case but only based only on my experience. Because you might either be too proud or too ashamed of what you've done and still won't believe it otherwise. Most people can do a lot of things, even better than what they planned, if they just put lots of effort into it then end up thinking, how was I able to do it? Funny it maybe, our minds and determination can work beyond what we can normally perceive as mere patches of moving clay on this earth. Really cool actually. When you add up what you think you have then the sum would be equated to that. But not really.

1 effort + 1 imagination = millions of art

So, one plus one is?

To my professor

I've said it once and I'm saying it again, "I'm not that good a writer" and I've seen better. In the eighteen years, two months, and 22 days of my life I have never been truly confident with showing others what I write because it was just like sharing my deepest secrets and inner thoughts to people who I don't even know. But then, lately, I realized what influence and information I may give to others just by writing.

And I would never have thought of doing so without my professor, Sir Abe Rotor whom I and my good friend Audrey would secretly(except now it's no longer a secret) call "Tatay". He is like a father figure and at the same time wise dude for us, a type of guy who could gladly inspire anyone who would also gladly listen to him, otherwise, every words he would say are seemingly useless.

So anyway, I am probably one of the thousand living humans who dares to listen to this wise man. And though I may not be able to write like him especially not with poems (simply not my forte) and also incapable of writing at least three articles a day, I would still do my best to write, write, write, and write!

No matter how bad, at least I do something about it, right?

Here is the blog of my professor: avrotor.blogspot.com